Thursday, May 12, 2005

My Hiatus And A Little Taste of What's To Come

Sorry it has been a while since my last post, but I have been very busy working on a redesign for the site. I am just learning web design so it is taking a bit longer than expected. I just wanted to let all of my faithful readers know that Mike-D will be back soon and I have a ton of topics to talk about. To be more specific, about 25 topics have already been lined up and are ready for an absurd, analytical breakdown by yours truly. So check back in about a week or so and I will begin posting more of my antics. And just to tide you impatients over, here is a little rant:

What the hell is the deal with the toilet paper in public restrooms? They make it so freakin hard to tear off a nice, medium-sized piece. It always comes off like one square at a time. So after analyzing the problem, I have found that the problem is not the toilet paper, but it is the holder. Any time you have one of those big rolodex dispensers or the two-sided metal clasper, you are going to have issues because you dont get a smooth role like you do on the rodded toilet paper dispensers. My solution, assuming there is no loose roll that I can unroll by hand via my finger as the rotary device, is to unravel the toilet paper in the opposite direction that it should be pulled off. This releases all tension placed on the paper and elimiates all possibilty of tearing. Another technique is the double handed unravel. This method requires one hand placing a light tension on the loose end of the paper while the other hand manually spins the roll as if spinning a basketball on the tip of your finger. This method is not as full proof as the tight metal clasps may be too tight and cause a drag which will automatically rip the paper. This method will also not work very well with the rolodex dispenser as the paper is supposed to be torn by the serrated edges that are placed on the edge of the dipsenser. While reaching into the dispenser in order to manually unroll, the hand or arm can and will become shredded by this ridiculously sharp edge. And who the hell needs a serrated edge to break off toilet paper anyway. The only other method is to do the slow, one-handed unroll. This method is usually pretty successful, but it is very time consuming. Additonally, the amount of time it takes to pull out a perfect sized piece causes the frustration of a premature tear to be exponentially worse. There is nothing worse than saying to yourself, "oK, just one more square and I will be good to go....there we go....yes....slowly.....slowly....RIP....son of bitch!!!! Screw it. I just hope this is long enough.

Well, there it is. Over-analyzed....absoulutely. But as usual, completely true and you know that you have thought about it. So in conclusion, if you find yourself in a public restroom next to a guy in a stall that is cursing, banging the stall, and throwing shredded pieces of toilet paper all over the place, have a little sympathy and dont know you have been there.


Blogger Angie said...

So I thought about this long and hard, and well you're right! I hate it, all I want is just enough toilet paper to do the job. It's kind of like a low flow toilet, never flushes just enough! You got me! I just carry around a bag of TP, mainly because of my over active bladder issues, but now that you brought this to my attention its all so clear!

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just don't wipe.

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, this is very true. Usually the problem is exacerbated by those damn water cannon toilets. You flush and then it feels like someone pointed a water cannon at your ass. Then you’re walking around all day with a wet spot on your rear that is only visible to onlookers. Freaking water cannon toilets!

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Water cannon toilet...otherwise known as a Baudette, come on now, don't be ashamed!

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would concede to the "anonymous" comment except a) they don't usually have "bidet's" in public restrooms, and b) these water cannons have no direct stream - they splash everywhere, hence the wet spot on the rear. Nice attempt at adding a French flare to your noun...except you were way off.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I know I lost that one, I need to learn to spell!

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess you folks are all too young to remember that the dispensers to limit the amount of tp were the big rage in the 80s to save on expenses. Pretty lame idea. It's right up there with the seat belts from the 80s that tighten if you move to help make you sit still.

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