Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Leasing Office

I was sitting here looking at apartments on rent.com and I began to notice a common theme. At least 75% of the properties that had a post on rent.com had like 1 picture of an apartment and then 40 pictures of the leasing office. What the hell is wrong with these people. Dont get me wrong, a nice leasing office is nice, but I dont plan on moving in to it. If you are reading this and you work for an apatment management company and you happen to be the person that posts the pictures onto rent.com, throw me a freakin bone here and try posting some pictures of the actual living space. That would be great.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Saddam's Photo Shoot

As I am sure all of you have heard or seen, there are some rather revealing photos of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in the media. From what I understand, the pictures were first released by a tabloid magazine. Since they were revealed, the media has been eating it up as anyone would expect. Here is my beef though. The whole issue is whether or not it was appropriate or just for the tabloid to show these embarrasing pictures of Saddam. Then on every newscast and newspaper or magazine article that you see there is a huge picture of Saddam in his tighty whities. Seems to me that if you are going to write a story about the indecency of a photo that you should maybe not show the photo. Just seems like common sense to me. Then you have the whole question of where the photos came from. I am sure that this has all been uncovered, but I was just sitting here wondering how loaded the person is that took the original pics. I bet they got paid a boat load of money. Who would ever have thought that you could make so much money taking partially nude pictures of dirty, fat, Iraqi men. Do I see a new adult magazine on the horizon?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Too Much Electronic Music

You know when you have been listening to too much electronic music when you hear a car alarm outside and then assume that it is just part of the song that is playing. I need to start listening to some new freakin music.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Located Near The What?

So I was at a department store trying stuff on today and I needed to find a dressing room. I was tired of walking around aimlessly looking for one myself so I decided to ask someone. Now let's take a second here and analyze the situation. If I have no clue where the dressing room is, wouldn't that tell you that I am not very familiar with the layout of the store? I would think so. Apparently the woman that was giving me directions to the dressing room didn't think about that. Her response to my inquiry was: "The dressing room is located around the corner from men's loungewear, across from infant and toddler wear, and next to men's socks." Ummmmmmmmm.......ok. I thanked the woman and began on my journey before realizing that everything she had just told me did nothing more twist up my mental map of Dillards even more than it was before. So my original search was for the dressing room and now I am lost again and feeling weird about asking clerks where the infant and toddler section is. So after five laps around the men's section, three passes of the women's lingerie section, and two sweaty armpits later, I finally found the dressing room. Next time I think I will have the Dillards lady hold my hand and walk me there. Am I a tard or do people just give completely worthless directions in department stores?

Friday, May 13, 2005

What Is Wrong Here?

I tried to be cool. I tried to be calm. I smile at the guy every time I see him. I patiently make the difficult turn into my parking spot every single day. I have hit the green awning support beam twice now and have still remained level-headed. But then this morning as I took every precaution to not hit the door of the mini cooper with my door as I sucked in my stomach so that I could fit into my truck, I realized that this is freakin ridiculous. This guy is driving one of the smallest cars on the market and yet cant seem to allow me just a little room to turn into my parking spot. So to have a little fun, I have decided to see what all I could fit into the irrationally large space that exists between his driver side and the support beam and then between my passenger side and the support beam.

What He Can Fit

What I Can Fit

Thursday, May 12, 2005

My Hiatus And A Little Taste of What's To Come

Sorry it has been a while since my last post, but I have been very busy working on a redesign for the site. I am just learning web design so it is taking a bit longer than expected. I just wanted to let all of my faithful readers know that Mike-D will be back soon and I have a ton of topics to talk about. To be more specific, about 25 topics have already been lined up and are ready for an absurd, analytical breakdown by yours truly. So check back in about a week or so and I will begin posting more of my antics. And just to tide you impatients over, here is a little rant:

What the hell is the deal with the toilet paper in public restrooms? They make it so freakin hard to tear off a nice, medium-sized piece. It always comes off like one square at a time. So after analyzing the problem, I have found that the problem is not the toilet paper, but it is the holder. Any time you have one of those big rolodex dispensers or the two-sided metal clasper, you are going to have issues because you dont get a smooth role like you do on the rodded toilet paper dispensers. My solution, assuming there is no loose roll that I can unroll by hand via my finger as the rotary device, is to unravel the toilet paper in the opposite direction that it should be pulled off. This releases all tension placed on the paper and elimiates all possibilty of tearing. Another technique is the double handed unravel. This method requires one hand placing a light tension on the loose end of the paper while the other hand manually spins the roll as if spinning a basketball on the tip of your finger. This method is not as full proof as the tight metal clasps may be too tight and cause a drag which will automatically rip the paper. This method will also not work very well with the rolodex dispenser as the paper is supposed to be torn by the serrated edges that are placed on the edge of the dipsenser. While reaching into the dispenser in order to manually unroll, the hand or arm can and will become shredded by this ridiculously sharp edge. And who the hell needs a serrated edge to break off toilet paper anyway. The only other method is to do the slow, one-handed unroll. This method is usually pretty successful, but it is very time consuming. Additonally, the amount of time it takes to pull out a perfect sized piece causes the frustration of a premature tear to be exponentially worse. There is nothing worse than saying to yourself, "oK, just one more square and I will be good to go....there we go....yes....slowly.....slowly....RIP....son of bitch!!!! Screw it. I just hope this is long enough.

Well, there it is. Over-analyzed....absoulutely. But as usual, completely true and you know that you have thought about it. So in conclusion, if you find yourself in a public restroom next to a guy in a stall that is cursing, banging the stall, and throwing shredded pieces of toilet paper all over the place, have a little sympathy and dont judge....you know you have been there.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Miami Heat Coach Moonlighting as Porn Star

I thought Stan Van Gundy had quite the life when I just knew that he was coaching two of the best players in the NBA and living in one of the coolest cities in the U.S. Then while I was watching a late night movie last night I found out that Shaq isnt the only "big daddy" living in Miami. That's right.....I think I am on to something. Stan Van Gundy is a porn star baby. And supposedly he is some sort of veteran. Here are some pics for proof.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

He Was A Wild Beast

I had a dream last night about one of those esuvee beasts from TV so I decided to re-create the dream. He was a little crazy at first, but then I said "Eaaaasy, big fella" and he calmed enough for me to mount. Once I was on tight, the gates were released. He was a wild beast, but nothing that I couldnt handle. This a picture of the wild ride. And in case you were wondering, that really is me on there.

I Am Such A Whore

As you all know, I recently acquired a cat from my sister and things have been going much better than the first week did. That was until this most recent incident. Here we go again. I happened to be at an apartment yesterday that contained one dog and one cat. If you know me, you know that I really like animals and I love to play with them, pet them, shave them, etc. So naturally, I spent a large amount of the time playing with and petting the dog and the cat. When it became time to leave for my next destination, I realized that I had not yet fed my cat its soft food for the day. Being the considerate pet owner that I am, I went way out of my way just to make my cat's day a little bit better by stopping by the apartment, feeding her, and petting her for a bit. But of course, things didn't go as planned. When I walked through the door of my apartment, Shelby came right up to me and began rubbing on my leg as she usually does. This was until she realized that I had been seeing other animals on the side. She took a step back, looked me in the eye, stepped back up, sniffed my leg again, and then walked away in disgust. She then proceeded to smell the backpack that I had with me, my shoes, and my clothes when I took them off to change. Upon smelling each item, I received a look of disgust. She looked at me as if I was a whore. Like "You mean to tell me that I am here all day by myself, no petting, no playing and then you run off with these other skeezer pets? What am I not good enough for you? Am I not furry enough? Am I not cuddly enough? Does that slut cat that you pet all night last night have a sleeker coat than me? Tell me....I want to know." If that cat could talk, that is exactly what it would tell me. It then proceeded to hide in the closet until I left. I just wanted to tell it that I made a special trip to come see her and to come give her some good food, but instead, I got caught in my own web of lies. I am a filthy,no good, cheating whore and Shelby knows it. Look away....I am a monster.

Monday, May 02, 2005

What A Move

So I was at an ice cream shop this weekend and I found myself in an awkward, yet familiar position. I had to use the restroom so I made my way over to the men's room.It was your typical one person bathroom, but the kicker is that it had a door that opened out instead of in. If it opened in instead of out there would have been no problem. The difference is that if it opens out, then everybody that is outside can see in. But if it opens in, the door blocks the view of you peeing. Of course this whole thing would not be a big deal if the door was locked right? Well this is the reason that all of this happened. So I begin to pee and about a quarter of the tank through, I remember that I hadnt locked the door. I could just finish up and hope that nobody came in, but it was a risk that I usually am not willing to take. So what do you do? You know you cant stop once you've started....it stings. If you are a pretty good aim, you have fairly good distance, and you are a good multitasker, there is a solution. The technique in prinicipal is fairly simple. You slowly walk backwards towards the door while increasing the distance of the stream. You move backwards, while continuing to urinate, lock the door, while never removing your eyes off of the target, then slowly walk back up to the orignal urination position to finish up. Just remember, if you are running low, this technique will not work as you need as much pressure as possible to hit the toilet from the peak of your backwards jaunt. Now the key here is to make sure that there are no obstructions in your path to the door. This should be done with a quick over-the-shoulder glance before you begin to move back. If this is not done and there is something in the way, your day will be ruined by the aftermath. Not only will you be lying on the floor of a public restroom, but you will more than likely fumble your grip and urinate all over the restroom and yourself. But if the move is executed correclty, you will save yourself the embarrasment of an entire restaraunt full of people glaring in at you urinating. Of course, there is also the risk that the door is opened as you are in the midst of the door lock maneuver, in which case you are set up for even more embarrasment than in the orignal case. If this does happen however, continue the move and dont lose your focus. So that is the basic rundown and strategy if you find yourself in a similar position. If anybody has done this before or has any suggestions or modifications, let me know.

Friday, April 29, 2005

What An Ass

Just a random rant. Have you ever talked to somebody or even just looked at them and known that there is like a 99.9% chance that they are a complete jack ass. I had one of those experiences this morning on the way to work. I was looking at the guy in the car next to me because he almost pulled out in front of me and hit me about 5 seconds before. I was looking at him and thinking, you know, this guy looks like the biggest prick in the world and I dont even know they guy, but I could sign and stamp a guarantee that said he was a certified prick. Then to top it off, I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. So then I am thinking, "Holy crap....somebody actually married this ass?" It really makes you wonder what is wrong with people. I mean this guy had a smug look on his face, he couldn't drive worth a crap, and he looked like he would be more content if he were the only person living on this planet. And then to think that somebody found all of this attractive? Wow.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Shaved The Cat

As recommended by several friends, here is the cut that I gave my cat. It took a half can of ether to knock it out, but once I did, it was easy to give it this stylish trim. The cat looks unhappy in the picture, but it is actually thrilled with its new look. She was just a little groggy from the ether in the photo. I will have to get her spayed fairly soon though as all of the male cats in my apartment complex will be wanting to get with that.

*Disclaimer: This is not really my cat and I did not use ether on any animal.....yet.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My Pants Are Hairy

Well I got a cat this past weekend and it has definitely been an interesting few days. The biggest headline to report is the massive amount of cat fur that is everywhere. I know cats shed and that this is the season for it and all, but this cat sheds more than you have ever seen. I dont know how that thing isnt bald yet. I mean with one stroke of my hand across its back I have more cat fur on my hand than most cats have on their entire body. Can you shave cats? I mean I guess you could have them professionally shaved, but I mean can I shave it myself? I figure that I would have to knock it out first because this cat already bites a lot and that is when I am trying to be nice to it. There is no telling what sort of injuries I would sustain if I tried to shave it while it was conscious. You may all think that I am kidding about this, but after this morning I am dead serious. I put on my favorite pair of black,wool dress pants this morning and by the time I left the house it appeared that I had on a pair of white, wool dress pants. I was completely covered in fur. So I took the lent brush out to the car with me, but with the amount of hair I had on my pants, it was like peeing into the wind...pointless. So I decided that from now on I will get ready in my underwear in the mornings and then just before I slip out the door, I will race against the cat to get my pants on and be out the door before it can shed its entire coat onto my pant legs. The only other real option is to wear some sort of protective sleeve over my pant legs to prevent cat to pant leg contact. So things couldnt get any worse right??? Wrong. As I was running late this morning I only had time for a bagel. And what do stubborn, cat hair covered people put on their bagels? Well honey of course. The stickiest substance that can be found in my kitchen. So the next thing you know I have honey all over my hands while I am driving down the road, I am trying to rub cat fur off of my pants, and now I have fur stuck to the honey all over my hands. I feel like I have been tarred and feathered. I have been honeyed and furred. If anybody would like to volunteer some time this weekend, I am taking applications for cat restrainers and cat bite medics, as I will be shaving the cat. In conclusion, I would like to personally thank my sister for passing this cat along to me and I hope you had just as good of a morning as I did.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Big Man With A Little Bag

Some things in life just make no sense. As I was walking into work this morning, there was a fairly large man walking in front of me. I would say that he was probably about 6'4 and about 270 or 280. You would think that a man of this size could carry a 5 pound briefcase wouldnt you? Well wrong! He had to have one of those little briefcases with the wheels on it. I mean maybe if you were a midget or something could I see the need for pulling around your briefcase, but come on man. Plus, those things are more hassle to pull than to carry anyway. You hit one little rock with the wheel and the the thing falls right over. Plus, this freak size guy had to like bend down just to reach the handle. Come on man, get rid of your little pansy wheel bag and start carrying a briefcase. What a tool.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Ms. Wheelchair Stripped of Title for Standing Up

So here is how it went down. This young woman with muscular dystrophy wins the Ms. Wheelchair title, but then has her title revoked when the Miss Wheelchair America Organization found pictures of the woman standing up while teaching her class. It turns out that the woman only uses her wheelchair sometimes and therefore doesnt fit the requirements of the pageant that say: "(the contestant must) mostly be seen in public using their wheel chairs or scooters." In a conversation with a member of the national board, the woman said she was told she could enter future pageants when she is more qualified for the title. I guess she will just have to put in some extra scooter time to qualify for next years event. So by their requirements, does this mean that if I use a scooter for my mode of daily transportation that I could enter the contest? Because if so, I am so gonna kick some scooter pageant ass. Backup bitches, there is a new scooter in town and it is going to run you all of the runway. I would have to say that my game clinching event is the swimsuit event. Scooter forward,wheely,accelerate,power brake, stare down the judges, sharon stone leg cross, scooter spin, scooter reverse, kiss to the crowd, game bitches.

Wheelchair Finalist