Friday, April 08, 2005

Look....No Hands

Like any clean-freak, I insist on washing my hands after using the restroom. Yes, it is a hassle and sometimes I am in a hurry, but if I am going to be touching parts of the body that rid me of waste, then the hands need to cleaned. The problem that I am now having is that I drink a butt load of water and coffe all day at work. So now I must pee about 10 times a day. No exaggeration. That means I must wash my hands that many times a day as well. Well, I just dont have time for this. So to conquer this problem, I have now perfected the art of handless urination. I pee and shake just like everyone else, but now I can do it without having to wash my hands afterwards. A perfect plan right??? Not really. Despite having an average of 7 minutes back in my life from not having to wash 10 times a day, I have been receiving some pretty dirty looks from people that dont know about my perfection of the hands-free urination technique. They look at me and I can hear what they are saying in their head: "Did you just touch your dirty $%*#*@ and then go lift weights with those same hands?" I know this because this is what I think about people that really do need to wash their hands and don't. But I dont need to wash my hands...I dont deserve to be treated this way. I just want to tell them about my time saving technique, but I fear even worse looks after explaining. The only solution I have found is to just run water over my hands after I am done if there are people around while I pee. That way, I still save time, but I dont gross anybody out at the same time. I wish I didnt have to do this, but I will sacrifice a little for other's peice of mind. So if you see me at the urinal, and then proceed directly back to my office after I am done, just know that you dont have to worry about shaking my hand. It is just as clean as the next hand.


Blogger Angie said...

Riiight! Not only do you pee only a 1/3 of what I do in a day you wash your hands ohhhh NEVER! LOL Just kidding...Yeah I've mastered that technique as well, yet I hop up and down, so if you hear a thud or two from the restroom my fellow co-workers do be advised, I am okay, maybe a lil strange but I am okay and my hands are squeaky clean!

1:13 PM  
Blogger Mikey-D said...

I thought girls had to wipe? I think they do..........busted!!!!

1:15 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

HELLO thats what hopping is for, it gets all the pee pee out like shakn it... (did I really just write that?!) Now if we're talking about something else SO do you... (have to wipe that is)... "good luck with your judgements"

1:19 PM  
Blogger audrajane said...

although you talk about not washing your hands after you pee because of your talent of "shaking" did you ever think about how many guys dont shake? think about it... they hold, pee, flush... What do you do??? You shake, pee, flush... do you see the same nastiness that I do?? FLUSH!!! You all touch the same nasty ass handle... hello thats why you should continue to wash your hands. Otherwise, when I meet you, I will not be shaking your hand... it will be more of those head nod thingys. Okay thats my thought on your germ infested, nasty shaking habbit....

3:27 PM  
Blogger Mikey-D said...

You thought you had me didnt you. Ha. As a person that obviously thinks about anything and everything(come on...look at the topics of my blog), you actually think that I would allow a measly flush to ruin my brilliant urination tactic. Please. We have two approaches to your proposed "hole" in my strategy. One, if the toilet is one like you see at a bar, you completely avoid the flush due to the uselessness of your effort. The toilets at those places are disgusting and a flush would just waste some useful wrist strength that I might need for later after I strike out at the bar...ha...this actually never happens....have you ever seen this mug...HOT!!! The second approach is the elbow flush for a urinal or a foot flush for a toilet. Thus my hands never come in contact with the penis-germed flusher. Any other ideas you want me to handlessly flush down the toilet?

P.S. I also open the door with a paper towel.

6:41 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

Well looks like Mike wins again! Damn you're so smart and creative!

6:43 AM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

mikey sorry to burst your bubble but I have using the no hand pee technique for quite some time. only works going commando or with boxers, with as little obstruction as possible. (whitey tighties will not work).. you only have to touch the zipper, then hands folded behind ass. of course if you been swimming in cold water, the integrity of this process could be comprimised. nevertheless, i always wash my hands in the restroom because i touched the door to get in...then use a towl to open the door when leaving so that I don't re-infect my hand touching the door again. OCD is a bitch.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

why didn't my name highlight in blue?

2:00 PM  
Blogger neha said...

this is one of the most hilarious posts i've ever read (which isnt sayin much).

2:11 PM  
Blogger audrajane said...

I like Jeff... he is one smart guy!

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Nick Avila said...

Sorry to break this to you all, but everyone is wrong. The way to approach this should be as I do. I always wash my hands before urinating. The principle behind this is because your hands are always dirty. I wash them before they touch that private organ which I try to keep as clean as possible. I then pack it and zip it up then flush with the elbow techinque used my Mikey. This way no matter what you touch, the organ remains clean as can be. Nick

3:00 PM  

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