Friday, April 29, 2005

What An Ass

Just a random rant. Have you ever talked to somebody or even just looked at them and known that there is like a 99.9% chance that they are a complete jack ass. I had one of those experiences this morning on the way to work. I was looking at the guy in the car next to me because he almost pulled out in front of me and hit me about 5 seconds before. I was looking at him and thinking, you know, this guy looks like the biggest prick in the world and I dont even know they guy, but I could sign and stamp a guarantee that said he was a certified prick. Then to top it off, I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. So then I am thinking, "Holy crap....somebody actually married this ass?" It really makes you wonder what is wrong with people. I mean this guy had a smug look on his face, he couldn't drive worth a crap, and he looked like he would be more content if he were the only person living on this planet. And then to think that somebody found all of this attractive? Wow.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Shaved The Cat

As recommended by several friends, here is the cut that I gave my cat. It took a half can of ether to knock it out, but once I did, it was easy to give it this stylish trim. The cat looks unhappy in the picture, but it is actually thrilled with its new look. She was just a little groggy from the ether in the photo. I will have to get her spayed fairly soon though as all of the male cats in my apartment complex will be wanting to get with that.

*Disclaimer: This is not really my cat and I did not use ether on any animal.....yet.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My Pants Are Hairy

Well I got a cat this past weekend and it has definitely been an interesting few days. The biggest headline to report is the massive amount of cat fur that is everywhere. I know cats shed and that this is the season for it and all, but this cat sheds more than you have ever seen. I dont know how that thing isnt bald yet. I mean with one stroke of my hand across its back I have more cat fur on my hand than most cats have on their entire body. Can you shave cats? I mean I guess you could have them professionally shaved, but I mean can I shave it myself? I figure that I would have to knock it out first because this cat already bites a lot and that is when I am trying to be nice to it. There is no telling what sort of injuries I would sustain if I tried to shave it while it was conscious. You may all think that I am kidding about this, but after this morning I am dead serious. I put on my favorite pair of black,wool dress pants this morning and by the time I left the house it appeared that I had on a pair of white, wool dress pants. I was completely covered in fur. So I took the lent brush out to the car with me, but with the amount of hair I had on my pants, it was like peeing into the wind...pointless. So I decided that from now on I will get ready in my underwear in the mornings and then just before I slip out the door, I will race against the cat to get my pants on and be out the door before it can shed its entire coat onto my pant legs. The only other real option is to wear some sort of protective sleeve over my pant legs to prevent cat to pant leg contact. So things couldnt get any worse right??? Wrong. As I was running late this morning I only had time for a bagel. And what do stubborn, cat hair covered people put on their bagels? Well honey of course. The stickiest substance that can be found in my kitchen. So the next thing you know I have honey all over my hands while I am driving down the road, I am trying to rub cat fur off of my pants, and now I have fur stuck to the honey all over my hands. I feel like I have been tarred and feathered. I have been honeyed and furred. If anybody would like to volunteer some time this weekend, I am taking applications for cat restrainers and cat bite medics, as I will be shaving the cat. In conclusion, I would like to personally thank my sister for passing this cat along to me and I hope you had just as good of a morning as I did.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Big Man With A Little Bag

Some things in life just make no sense. As I was walking into work this morning, there was a fairly large man walking in front of me. I would say that he was probably about 6'4 and about 270 or 280. You would think that a man of this size could carry a 5 pound briefcase wouldnt you? Well wrong! He had to have one of those little briefcases with the wheels on it. I mean maybe if you were a midget or something could I see the need for pulling around your briefcase, but come on man. Plus, those things are more hassle to pull than to carry anyway. You hit one little rock with the wheel and the the thing falls right over. Plus, this freak size guy had to like bend down just to reach the handle. Come on man, get rid of your little pansy wheel bag and start carrying a briefcase. What a tool.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Ms. Wheelchair Stripped of Title for Standing Up


So here is how it went down. This young woman with muscular dystrophy wins the Ms. Wheelchair title, but then has her title revoked when the Miss Wheelchair America Organization found pictures of the woman standing up while teaching her class. It turns out that the woman only uses her wheelchair sometimes and therefore doesnt fit the requirements of the pageant that say: "(the contestant must) mostly be seen in public using their wheel chairs or scooters." In a conversation with a member of the national board, the woman said she was told she could enter future pageants when she is more qualified for the title. I guess she will just have to put in some extra scooter time to qualify for next years event. So by their requirements, does this mean that if I use a scooter for my mode of daily transportation that I could enter the contest? Because if so, I am so gonna kick some scooter pageant ass. Backup bitches, there is a new scooter in town and it is going to run you all of the runway. I would have to say that my game clinching event is the swimsuit event. Scooter forward,wheely,accelerate,power brake, stare down the judges, sharon stone leg cross, scooter spin, scooter reverse, kiss to the crowd, game bitches.



Wheelchair Finalist



Story

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Come On Girl....It Is Just My Chocolate Pudding Pop

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby and his sexual assault issues

I Was Just Visually Assaulted

I met this cute girl a little while back and decided that we should go out on a date. Being new to Dallas, I decided that it would be a good idea to ask a friend for some advice on choosing a good place to go. He reccommended a little gelato cafe in uptown Dallas. He told me that they served really good sandwhiches and that they brought your food out to you in lunch boxes. Sounded cool to me. So I immediately scheduled the date and began to look for directions online. The results from my Google search should have been my first indicator about the type of establishment that this cafe was. Like 5 of the top 10 results had the words "gay" and "hotspot" in them. Not only was the cafe ridiculously gay, but so was the entire street that it was on. I have never seen so many gay men in one place in my entire life. To make things worse, my date was late. To make things even worse than that, it was a date, so I naturally looked pretty good in my attire. Talk about a recipe for disaster. I have never felt so abused in my life. Every man and his boyfriend thought I was one fine piece. I was getting stares from every direction. Mouths were dropping, heads were turning, and I could feel my clothes being removed by all of their eyes. After telling my date to hurry up over the phone, I decided to get out of the neighborhood until she got there. I made a straight shot to the nearest Walgreens and chilled around the parking lot until she got there at which time I ventured back into the danger zone. Granted, the food was pretty good and the cafe was neat, but I have to say I felt pretty freakin used up by the time the night was over. Dont get me wrong, I dont blame anybody for checkin out this fine piece, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Needless to say, my buddy got an earful the next day at work. Not really a bitching out, more of an exclamated recap of the prior evening's events. Well, all in all, it provided for a great story and my date seemed to think it was hilarious. I also think that she thought I was gay, but shoot, I would have thought the same thing. Anyway, I am healed from the visual assault that took place that night and next time I go asking for advice on date locales, I think I will ask around a little more.

Pimp My Shopping Cart


Pimp My Shopping Cart
Originally uploaded by mccloskeymd.
Just when I thought I had seen the most ridiculous use of money for the homeless(the LA homeless shelter), I read this article and was even more amazed. This is the coolest idea ever!!! The "pimped" shopping cart was given out to "Ja" the homeless man a few days ago as part of a giveaway on a radio station. The $3000 cart featrues a LCD screen, GPS tracking, a mini fridge, 10" wheels, a slide out seat, an alarm with strobe lights, 81 neon and LED lights, a tent, solar powered battery charging system, and the coolest part......an automatic can crusher. As weird as it sounds, I am a little jealous. This thing is freakin sweet. Would the homeless man been a little better off with $3000? Probably, but then he wouldnt be pimpin all of the bag ladies like a true street player does it. Word. Your cart has officially been pimped!

Story

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I Should Teach You a Lesson

Have you ever seen somebody do something so stupid that you just wanted to teach them a lesson? Today at Starbucks, I was sitting oustide when this woman came speeding up to the curb, slammed her car into park, left the engine running, door open, and infant child in the back seat. She then ran inside to get napkins or something. She was in there for a good 2 minutes. Are you really in that big of a hurry? I mean what if Angie and I had been players in the human trafficking game? We would have scored an infant child and a 2002 Nissan Maxima all in one swoop. I wanted to show this lady a lesson, but I think I could get into a little trouble for stealing a child and a car. A little trouble like 5-10 in the slammer where I might have something stolen from my backseat. But it might have been worth it to see the look on that lady's face when she came back out. You can never be in so much of a hurry that it is alright to leave your baby in a running, unlocked vehicle. Maybe next time you see me, I will have an "adopted" child and a new car. Who knows.

Monday, April 18, 2005

For L.A. homeless: a gym, movies, and hair salon

A little decadent for a homeless shelter? Probably so, but what else would you expect from LA. With their fancy cars, big houses, and now pimp ass homeless shelters. This place is sweet. It has a a gym, movies, a library, hair salon, and even play facilities for children. Despite the arguments presented in the article, I think that this a great facility and a great way to get the homeless off of the streets. I mean if I was homeless, I would be hitting this place up like nobodies business. And along with getting the homeless to the shelters, comes more hope for curing the high rates of mental disability that is so rampant among the homeless population. And along with a more mentally stable homeless population comes more opportunity for work and all around life change. Now if the city of LA can just couple this nive new facility with some affordable housing, then we might be on to something.
Story:

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Bastrop Satellite Image


Bastrop Satellite Image
Originally uploaded by mccloskeymd.



Click on the picture and then hover over it from within flickr to view information about the different landmarks.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Group Project Flashbacks

I am sitting here at Starbucks trying to get some work done, but all I can do is listen to the arguing graduate school group sitting across from me. It is bringing so many memories back from my group projects back at UT. It is also really putting a bad taste in my mouth about going back to school to get my masters. So let's break down the four players in this group so that you can see exactly what is going on here.

Player No. 1: We have the typical older man of the group. While 3 of the group members are right around 27 or 28, this guy is about 40. He is older than most of the group, but he is also probably the most leve-headed member. He has good input and keeps his emotions in check.

Player No. 2: You have got your typical slacker in the group. To start, he decided that it would be a good idea to bring his infant child with him to the group meeting. The group has steadily gotten louder in order to be heard over the whining of the grumpy child. This member is also the one that thinks that the project is already good and doesnt think that it needs any more work. When the group gets into any serious talks about what should be done, he completely zones out or gets up to use the restroom again. Despite his laziness, he is my favorite of the group because he just let the jerk of the group have it. He called him uptight and negative. It was great.

Player No. 3: This guy is your typical middle-of-the-road group member. He has good input, he pays attention, and he pipes up when he doesnt agree, but in an acceptable manner. When the other members dont agree with one of his opinions, he silently nods out as he knows that he has been outvoted and doesn't take offense. He is a good member of the group.

Player No. 4: Now to the jerk off of the group. I really want to get up and punch this guy in the face. He is the facilitator of the group, but he is a complete ass about it. He loves voicing his opinion, but has no patience when anyone else wants to speak. He doesnt pay attention when others talk and if he happens to hear something that he disagrees with, he gets this look on his face like he is absolutley disgusted with mankind and that his opinions are the only ones on earth that make any sense. Do you think that I would get in trouble if I backhanded him right here, right now. How cool would that be. I bet all of his group members would give me high fives and then join me in kicking his ass. I love daydreaming:)

So there we have it. I have gotten none of my personal work done today, but I have had some rather horrific flashbacks from some of my similar group projest experiences as well as been turned off quite a bit from grad school. But hey, it made for a good story for the rest of yall.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Yellow Chaos


Yellow Chaos
Originally uploaded by mccloskeymd.
My first painting

Just Be Patient

Traffic on the way to work sucked this morning. But do you know what is worse than traffic? How about when you get frustrated with the traffic and decide that taking the shortcut through the Walgreen's parking lot will be faster than being patient and waiting for the light to turn green only to get stuck trying to cross the road for like 10 minutes. That isnt even the bad part. The worst part of the entire situation is when all of the people that you were in line with at the light saw you get pissed and swerve over to the parking lot to take the shortcut. Then as you try to cross the road, the light that you were originally waiting for has already turned green and they end driving by and looking at you like you are some kind of an idiot. You can almost hear the thoughts that are going through their heads: "Yeah look at you. If you just had some patience you would be on your way just like the rest of us. But instead, you are going to have to sit there and wait like the impatient jack ass that you are." I know I am an idiot sometimes, but I really could live without the unapproving looks from all of you evil, mini-van driving, more patient than me people.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Look....No Hands

Like any clean-freak, I insist on washing my hands after using the restroom. Yes, it is a hassle and sometimes I am in a hurry, but if I am going to be touching parts of the body that rid me of waste, then the hands need to cleaned. The problem that I am now having is that I drink a butt load of water and coffe all day at work. So now I must pee about 10 times a day. No exaggeration. That means I must wash my hands that many times a day as well. Well, I just dont have time for this. So to conquer this problem, I have now perfected the art of handless urination. I pee and shake just like everyone else, but now I can do it without having to wash my hands afterwards. A perfect plan right??? Not really. Despite having an average of 7 minutes back in my life from not having to wash 10 times a day, I have been receiving some pretty dirty looks from people that dont know about my perfection of the hands-free urination technique. They look at me and I can hear what they are saying in their head: "Did you just touch your dirty $%*#*@ and then go lift weights with those same hands?" I know this because this is what I think about people that really do need to wash their hands and don't. But I dont need to wash my hands...I dont deserve to be treated this way. I just want to tell them about my time saving technique, but I fear even worse looks after explaining. The only solution I have found is to just run water over my hands after I am done if there are people around while I pee. That way, I still save time, but I dont gross anybody out at the same time. I wish I didnt have to do this, but I will sacrifice a little for other's peice of mind. So if you see me at the urinal, and then proceed directly back to my office after I am done, just know that you dont have to worry about shaking my hand. It is just as clean as the next hand.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Mirrors Are Overrated

I only cut my hair every three weeks or so. That is all I really have time for. Actually, that is a lie. Let's restate that. I cut my hair every three weeks or so because I would much rather go home and watch Friends after work than get my haircut. OK, back to the point. In three weeks, the length of the hair on my head is very manageable. The hair on my neck is a whole other animal. And I do mean animal. In case you didn't know, the hair on your neck is the fastest growing hair on the human body. Yes, even more so than that wily back hair of yours Billy. So this morning I decided I would lengthen the amount of time between haircuts by cutting the hair on my neck using a razor and a hand mirror. Man was that a mistake. I have never felt so uncoordinated in my entire life. Trying to shave your own neck while everything is all flipped around in the mirror is like trying to pee in the dark. No matter how much you concentrate on hitting the target, you always misfire. I couldnt even turn the razor in the direction that I wanted. Wait, is right left or is left right. Wait, which side of my head is this. Oh crap, I just plugged myself(plug: to shave a small portion of hair unintenionally). You kow when you go to get your haircut and they ask you if you want it squared or rounded in the back. Well I just added a new option. I think the new diagonal plug cut is really going to come into style. Next time, I think I will just take the 20 minutes and get my damn haircut.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Man....I Smell Like A Woman

I need some feedback on a situation that I am sure all of guys have found yourselves in. While staying at the home/apt. of a woman(sister, girlfriend, whomever it may be) in which a male does not live, what is the rule on using feminine soap and/or shampoo? I am pretty hygienic and I like to carry quite a few toiletries when I travel, but bringing my own soap and shampoo is a little much typically. But over the weekend, I realized that sometimes the places I stay only offer a scented soap or shampoo that tends to make me smell like a woman. So you ask yourself: Should I smell like a woman or should I skip the soap and shampoo? Being the clean person I am, I usually opt to smell ike a woman. As of late though, I have begun to question this move. Especially after a weekend of smelling like a meadow blossom. Not only that, but the only way to apply the soap was via a purple loofah. I dont know about you, but I feel a little fruity(no pun intended...the loofah comes from a fruit...ha)doing this. So maybe the rule should be that you can use the scented soap or shampoo if it is an extended stay(more than one night or use of the shower), but if it is just a one night deal, then you should avoid the scent and skip the wash. I mean how much cleaner are you when you use soap as opposed to letting the water clean you off. It cant be that big of a deal right? Let me know your thoughts guys and gals.

The downside to using a biometric car lock

I feel really bad for this guy, but at the same time it is kinda funny. I mean do you really need a freakin biometric car lock. Come on dude....just use a keyless remote like all of the rest of us. Now that you are a finger short Mr. K Kumaran, why dont you try the new eye scanning door opener. That sounds like a great idea as well...right?
Story

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Venizia


Venice, Italy
Originally uploaded by mmote.

Well, Mason finally got his pictures of our trip to Europe developed. It only took him about 1 year and 9 months. Not bad. Well it was worth the wait. His pictures are very good. The lighting is a little lacking in the few photographs that I have seen, but they give the photos a very real, realistic look. It seems to capture something that my pictures didnt. It also brings back a lot of memories. Although Venice was completely overrun by tourists, unexpectedly hot, incredibly confusing to navigate, and customs there seems to think that electric razors are handguns, I had a great time there.

Friday, April 01, 2005

You Know You Live In Texas When......

So this little story is not only a testament to my stupidity, but also to the unique nature of "folks" in Texas. The last time I was in Austin, I was driving to my sister's house on north Mopac. It was pouring down rain and there was some sort of accident on the freeway. Traffic was at a dead stop. Being the impatient person that I am, I decided that it would be a good idea to bust a u-turn and go back south on Mopac. Well....that didnt work so well. In case you ever decide to make a u-turn through a muddy median in a 2 wheel drive truck, you might want to make sure that you have an alternate form of transportation for the remainder of your trip. Or if not, you might get lucky and meet the coolest, most Texan woman alive.....just as I did. So here is the scene: My truck is stuck perpendicular to Mopac in a muddy median, all traffic is stopped (which means that people are just sitting there staring at me), I am slamming my steering wheel with my hands because I really didnt need my daily reminder of my stupidity to occur in this form, and I have no idea what I am going to do. Then, out of nowhere, the "woman in the white truck" appears. This tiny woman hops out of this huge diesel truck , wearing boots, some tight white wranglers, makeup, a pretty slick vest, and the whole rest of the fancy Texas getup that you are imagining. She asks if I need any help and before I can even respond, she has this huge, rusty chain attached to my truck as she quickly, but professionally pulls my truck out of the median. She wipes her rusty, muddy hands on her pants, wishes me a good day and then continues on her way. WOW!!! I wanted to help, but before I could even blink, she had yanked me out. This would only happen in Texas. I cant think of anywhere else in the states, maybe even the world, where a woman like this would be your rescuer from a self created, median sink hole. Cool, country, cowboy ladies kick ass!!!